How To Ask For What You Need In A Relationship

If you’re the type of person that doesn’t know how to ask for what you need, you will never make it through a marriage. Sure, marriage is about compromise, but everyone should be having their needs met. If you allow your spouse to go about his or her business and not pay attention to your needs, whatever they may be, you’ll lose your mind and the marriage will never last.

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Here’s some advice on how to ask for what you need in a relationship.


You need to learn to be assertive and speak your mind if your marriage is going to last. Learning to simply ask for what you need is much harder than it sounds–but as a training exercise, try just asking your spouse for something outright, with no caveats and no promises of anything in return.

This can be something small, like a glass of water, or something big, like more frequent or satisfying sex. If you can just come out and ask for what you need in your relationship once, you’ll find it easier to do in the future.

Be Specific

When it comes time to ask for what you need, you should be as specific as possible. Simply saying something like “I need some time to myself” sounds petty and won’t get you what you want. If, instead, you say “I need some time in my day to work on a special project I have in mind” or “I need some time alone to read this amazing book I bought”, you are far more likely to get what you want and end up with a happy spouse at the same time. Remember, people appreciate when you ask for what you need.


You can’t get mad at your spouse for not providing you with what you need if you don’t tell them in detail what that need is. That’s why it is necessary to explain your needs. As an example–if your spouse comes in late from work all the time, you need to explain to them why this bothers you and not just say that it does. This way, your spouse has no excuse for not following your demands. It also makes your desires seem less petty and more constructive.

Be Kind

There’s a big difference between asking for what you need and demanding what you want. When it comes time to ask your partner for something you need, you should say it with a kind heart. If your husband isn’t giving you enough affection, you should ask for it by gently explaining that you miss your special time together and it makes you feel good inside to be affectionate with your partner. Don’t say “YOU NEVER KISS ME ANYMORE” and storm off into the bedroom–all that will do is spread the pain around and you won’t get what you want anyway.


I’m not advocating that you use sex exclusively to get what you want, but if you add a little sex to your request, you are far more likely to get what you need. Talking to your partner is important, but providing pleasure to your spouse before making a request greases the wheels and gives your spouse very little reason to say no.


You have to have open lines of communication all day long every day–you can’t just open up a dialog in order to get what you want, then stop talking as soon as your needs are met. You wouldn’t want your spouse to do that either, right? If you start talking to your spouse regularly and open those lines of communication, you may not ever have to outright ask for what you need ever again. Starting to communicate could be the difference between a nagging and mean spirited relationship and one in which everyone gets what they need.

Getting what you need in a relationship just means engaging with each other like rational human beings. As long as your needs aren’t too bizarre and as long as the two of you can remain civil with each other, asking for what you need in a relationship should be just the same as asking your spouse to pass the salt.